Louisiana Without Borders

 

I couldn’t be happier that Utah’s governor has banned the use of consumer fireworks for the next week or so. We already live in a desert, and this year it’s hotter, dryer and windier than it’s ever been. Large chunks of the state are already burning, and our firefighters are already stretched thin. It’s a stupid time to play with explosives. I know at least a few of my neighbors will disregard the ban. They already treat most laws as helpful suggestions really meant for other people. But I suspect most of the people in my neighborhood will take this seriously, which should give my home a fighting chance of still being here by the end of July. Just in case I’m wrong, it’s a good time to prepare for possible evacuation. No one asked me, but I believe the only appropriate firework holidays are New Year’s Eve, Chinese New Year, and Utah’s Statehood Day: January 4.

Berry Cool

 

The day before yesterday I walked into my bathroom and grabbed a Kleenex to blow my nose. (I don’t have a cold, and it isn’t allergies. There are wildfires burning upwind from my neighborhood, and the air quality has everyone dealing with headaches, sore throats, sinus issues and worse.) I raised the tissue to my face and – just in the nick of time – realized there was a large earwig clinging to the middle of it. I really dislike earwigs. I panicked. I may even have screamed. I dropped the tissue, earwig and all, and stomped on it several times, then flushed what remained down the toilet. That particular earwig is no longer a threat. But now I’m imagining hidden earwigs EVERYWHERE. The bathroom has no windows and is nowhere near any exterior door. How did the little beast get so far into my house completely unseen? And where can I move that’s completely earwig free?

Rock Garden

 

In 1807, Napoleon signed the Treaties of Tilsit, ending the war between France and Russia. To celebrate, Napoleon organized a rabbit hunt at the estate of his chief of staff, Alexandre Berthier. Berthier arranged for hundreds, perhaps thousands of rabbits (some accounts say up to 3,000) to be released on the grounds, expecting them to scatter and be hunted as part of the festivities. But these weren’t wild-caught rabbits. They were purchased from local farmers. Instead of fleeing from humans, they ran straight at them, expecting to be fed. The hungry bunnies swarmed Napoleon and his men, causing them to make a hasty retreat. This story reminds me of an incident in April, 1979, when President Jimmy Carter was fishing. A rabbit swam towards his boat, "hissing menacingly, its teeth flashing and nostrils flared." The President panicked and splashed at the scary beast with his paddle. There were no reported casualties.

Split Four-Patch

 

If you ever find yourself supremely bored with an Internet connection, Google the infamous Roman Emperor Caligula. If only a small fraction of the things that have been written about him are true, he’d still be one of the weirdest humans who ever walked the earth. He only ruled four years – from 37 to 41 A.D. – but his short reign was marked by extravagance and cruelty. His real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. Caligula (which means “Little Boot”) was a childhood nickname given him by his father’s soldiers. According to one story, Caligula was on his way to invade Britain when he came to the northern coast. He called off the invasion and decided to make war on the sea. He ordered his soldiers to repeatedly stab the waves so the god Neptune would be offended. Then, he had them fill their helmets with seashells as spoils of war.

Ten Kitty Cats

 

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” – Woody Allen

“A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.” – Morey Amsterdam

“New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.” – David Letterman

“I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.” – Jim Gaffigan

“I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” – Steven Wright

“Congress is the finest group . . . money can buy.” – Morey Amsterdam

"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Kaleidoscope Star

 

“Ministering by the Spirit invites the Savior’s healing into our lives and the lives of those we minister to. I often find peace, clarity, healing, and purpose when I minister. I find the Savior when I minister. This is by divine design. Ministering is truly loving and caring for others as the Savior would. It is a way of being; it is the way of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is not a program or a checklist; ministering is the essence of who God is and who we can become as we follow Him. We are not called to or released from ministering. It is part of fulfilling the covenants we made at baptism and in the temple. We covenanted to take upon us the Savior’s name—becoming as He is as we sacrifice and consecrate our lives to Him. When we minister as He would, we begin to think, feel, and love as He would.” – Kristin M. Yee

Father's Choice

 

"My father always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch." – Chelsea Clinton

"Most parents hope their children are happy, funny, well-adjusted and have a passion for something in their lives." – Tom Hanks

"No man I ever met was my father's equal, and I never loved any other man as much." – Hedy Lamarr

"I've said it before, but it's absolutely true: My mother gave me my drive, but my father gave me my dreams. Thanks to him, I could see a future." – Liza Minnelli

"I am my father's daughter and not afraid of anything." – Queen Elizabeth II

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be. My father was my teacher. But most importantly he was a great dad." – Steven Spielberg

"Any fool can have a child. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father." – Barack Obama