Sawtooth Star

 

When I die, I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright