“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” – Woody
Allen
“A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and
orders a waiter.” – Morey Amsterdam
“New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number
of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.” – David Letterman
“I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the
cat kept covering me up.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be
everywhere, and now they’re just weird.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got
a full house and four people died.” – Steven Wright
“Congress is the finest group . . . money can buy.” – Morey Amsterdam
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to
interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
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