When one door closes and another opens, you’re probably in
prison.
Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 pm is the new
midnight.
When I say, "The other day," I could mean anytime
between yesterday and fifteen years ago.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
When you ask what I’m doing today and I say
"nothing," it doesn’t mean I am free. It means I’m doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
but whatever.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and
ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a
goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.
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