Montpelier Block

Dear Ann Landers: I recall you printed a humorous column some time ago explaining communism, socialism and fascism. Will you please print it again? – A Teacher in Mississippi

Dear Mississippi Teacher: Thank you for asking. It's an "oldie," but a "goldie." Here it is:

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the government, and the government sells it.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

Four Autrey Squares

Down the lanes of August—and the bees upon the wing,

All the world's in color now, and all the song birds sing;

Never reds will redder be, more golden be the gold,

Down the lanes of August, and the summer getting old.

Mother Nature's brushes now with paints are dripping wet,

Gorgeous is her canvas with the tints we can't forget;

Here's a yellow wheat field—purple asters there,

Riotous the colors that she's splashing everywhere.

Red the cheeks of apples and pink the peaches' bloom,

Redolent the breezes with the sweetness of perfume;

Everything is beauty crowned by skies of clearest blue,

Mother Earth is at her best once more for me and you.

Down the lanes of August with her blossoms at our feet,

Rich with gold and scarlet, dripping wet with honey sweet.

Rich or poor, no matter, here are splendors spread

Down the lanes of August, for all who wish to tread.

-          Edgar A. Guest

Nine Grandmother's Fans

The first time I saw them, I couldn’t stop staring. They were so WEIRD. We were grabbing movie treats at the Sheffield cinema, and the fellow queued in front of us was wearing shoes with separate cubbies for each of his toes. Vibram has been making their FiveFinger shoes since 2005, and there are several competitors with similar products for hikers, walkers and runners. I’m told they provide greater dexterity and a more natural stride. I find myself wondering if Vibram got the idea from the prop shoes Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominic Monaghan wore in 2001’s Fellowship of the Ring to look like they had big hairy Hobbit feet. August 6 is Wiggle Your Toes Day, a holiday that appeared on the scene in the early 2000’s, just like the Lord of the Rings movies and shoes with toe pockets. I plan to celebrate by going barefoot, just like I do nearly every other day.

Four This and That Blocks

“Addressing a general conference, Elder Quentin L. Cook correctly pointed out, ‘There are some who feel venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. How we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.’ I will not attempt to speak for your church, but I will speak for and to mine: It’s never an option to claim Jesus Christ as Savior and behave in an uncivil manner with anyone, under any circumstance. Never. I pray I will be known for speech seasoned with grace, for regarding others as more important than myself, and for doing everything in love.” – Mark DeMoss

Four Grandmother's Fans

When I’ve a problem without a solution, I often set it on the “back burner.” Sometimes the answer will present itself at the least expected time and place. I’m out of spaces to stuff my “Aunt Gracie” 1930’s fabric. Should I stop buying so many vintage prints? Probably. Should I give the ones I don’t love to a thrift shop? Definitely. Should I thin out the stash by making a large, scrappy quilt? Absolutely. But so many patterns use more background solids than scraps: I’d have to buy lots more new fabric to use a little of the old. Then last week, as I was tuning the orchestra before a performance of Beauty and the Beast, someone walked to their seat in the audience carrying a lovely Grandmother’s Fan quilt. It used hundreds of retro 30’s prints for the blades of the fans. But the background fabric was from prints with a lower color value: shirting. I already own LOTS of shirting. Problem solved.

This and That

Early last summer a frustrated jogger was filmed tossing a homeless man’s possessions into Lake Merritt. The “Jogger Joe” video went viral, bringing to light two problems: one man with a quick temper and another squatting in a public park. In the end, the jogger (his name isn’t really Joe) was sentenced to five years’ probation and anger management classes. The homeless man (his name’s Drew) became the focus of a crowd funding campaign which quickly grew to $14,000. He was offered an apartment, a haircut, a prepaid phone and a job at Home Depot. Drew turned it all down. The money was eventually given to The Homeless Action Center and East Oakland Collective. Drew still lives on the edge of the lake. If this story has a moral, it’s that homelessness isn’t a problem you can solve by throwing out a sleeping bag and some clothes. It’s also too complex a problem to solve by throwing money at it.

Grandmother's Fan

When we lived in Sandy, we worked with our neighbors to build a vinyl fence between our properties. Before long their teenage boys found they could stand on our sprinkler heads to climb over this fence. We asked them to stop, but they didn’t. After replacing several heads, we took a different approach. We went to the nursery and asked for their spiniest raspberry canes. We planted them along our side of the fence, and the problem was solved. The fruit was a lovely side benefit. Occasionally there were enough ripe berries for jam. But nearly every morning all summer long I could gather enough raspberries for my bowl of Grape Nuts. August 1 is Raspberry Cream Pie Day. Beat together 2 cups raspberries, 3/4 cup sugar, 8 ounces cream cheese, 3/4 cup sour cream, 8 ounces Cool Whip (thawed) and 1/2 teaspoon vanilla. Fold in another cup of berries. Spoon into baked and cooled 9” pie crust. Chill.