Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
If everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously
overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?
- (mostly) Steven Wright
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